One day everything will change and become better. That's what I used to believe but now I know that it has always been the same. So how can the future change when everything is always the same ?

Sometimes do you ever wonder if the person you look up to and hope to emulate in the future is actually looking back down on you and hoping to become you as well ? It could actually be a two way express where both parties want to swap their roles as they see the positives in each others positions but do not notice it in themselves. Even after appraisals from everyone around them they still do not see themselves in the same light as how others view them. It may be because of the pressure they are faced with at that point in time and the external factors that are always against them no matter what they do or it could be because their peers are doing the exact opposite of what they are doing which makes them think twice about what they are doing and why they are doing it. When that happens it usually ends up in them doubting their choices and decisions they make as a result it affects their self confidence and hence become over reliant on others when making decisions.There will come a time when the wall you are always leaning on crumbles below you and leave you feeling helpless and when that happens it will force you to either build a more secure and stable one or go around searching for a new wall which is sturdy and stable.

Everytime a situation arises, I will always brush it off thinking that time will settle everything for me. I will always ignore it or do my own stuff and after a period of time, the situation will dissolve on it's own. But recently, I realised that the situation was in fact more tense than what I initially thought it was. It did not dissolve but instead it became worse. Everytime I ignored it someone else was taking the rap and cleaning up my mess. I realised that the scarifices they made are really really big and I have no answer as to how to make it up to them but let them feel alittle more appreciated and make them happier.

This made me understand two things. You have to be decisive at times and you need to have the power to change things to how you want it to be. By having these two things, you can change alot of things that you do not like and make things which you want to happen really happen. That's why I'm always looking for answers as to how to improve myself and by constantly improving myself I really hope to have the power to change the things I really do not like.

What are dreams? A dream could be defined as what motivates a person to push on regardless of the situation they are in. A dream could be what seperates one person from another. Everyone of us has different dreams for example some people want to be a doctor or a teacher, some people want a place they can call home, some people want to travel the world. This are all the dreams of different people. But the question is do people actually walk towards their dreams? Majority of the people usually give up on their dreams halfway as they realise that their dreams are actually not in line with reality. The fact that people become complacent and tend to give excuses in order to make themselves believe that giving up their dreams halfway is actually the correct choice which in actual fact is not the truth.

The dreams that people have is just a route that they may or may not take just like there are so many what if's in life. What if this happens ? What if that happens ? It is always a choice that we make and when a negative result appear, the "what if" question comes back up. What if I chose the other route instead ? Would the outcome be better ? People dwell too much on the what if's to see that the path they took is actually what they want but it just did not materialise as how they would expect that's why all the what if's appear.

Years, months, days, hours, minutes and seconds, they all pass with a blink of an eye without even stopping to let us think about what is happening around us. I felt that that I have been wasting my life away. Nothing has changed. Everyday seems to be the same as the day before. No matter how I plan to change for the new day ahead, it always seem that I am still doing the things that I did yesterday. I want to try doing certain things but somehow there will be restrictions or maybe that's the reason why I'm still there at the very same spot I was yesterday. The fear of moving forward, losing the things I once had and the fear that no one will catch me if I fall. It seems that the only way forward is to break out of your comfort zone and never look back. It may always sound easy but the actions required are tedious to say the least.

Finally, it is the end of the RCC course. It feels wierd that the course has ended as at the beginning it seemed like eternally which was never going to end but finally it has come to a stop. The feeling of satisfaction was painted all over our faces as we accomplised everything we were tasked to do and we were rewarded with the "hats" presented by our higher-ups. I, for one, was extremely happy as I thought that my higher-up would not turn up but I was wrong. Before the presentation of the "hats", I was feeling demoralised by the soaking wet clothes and didn't feel like talking part in the presentation but that changed when they appeared at the last moment and at that point in time, I was extremely touched as I felt valued. Backtracking to the start of the week, at the start of the summary exercise, I was feeling demoralised and didn't feel like going but it was the final lap and so I just went ahead with it. At that point in time, there were alot of thoughts flowing through my mind and I was debating in my mind why I was fighting so hard for ? What were my goals ? Why was this happening ? etc... With so much on my mind, I just carried on and went ahead but just going through motion and not really feeling very motivated. However in the end, I still managed to accomplish my tasks which was satisfying to say the least.

Recently I watched a movie titled: 那些年，我們一起追的女孩/You're The Apple of My Eye. It was a very touching and emotional movie with parts of humor every now and then. The story revolves around a bunch of secondary school guys trying to chase a particular girl in their class. They use all sorts of tactics to try and attract the girls attention. The male lead actor doesn't fancy the girl at first as the girl was a bookworm and vice versa for the girl as the guy was just interested in playing and has no interest in studying. However, both of them were made to partner each other and they soon see each others strong points and fall for each other. Sad to say in the end they were not together as the guy was too childish to accept his mistakes and he doesn't have the courage to face up to reality when he has to make a decision. In conclusion, he was indecisive.

After watching the movie, memories of my secondary school days came flooding back. It gives me a sense of happiness that actually i do have a childhood and a memorable one as well. The friends that followed me from my primary school to secondary school to polytechnic are somewhat my closest friends other than my parents. I used to think that one can be independent and deprieved of friendship as friends come and go hence I didn't place much emphasis on friendship in the beginning. But after going through so much, the realisation struck me and currently, I have a group of friends that I can actually count on. They were the ones who helped me and showed me the true meaning of friendship.

I also realised that some of my actions were the same as the lead actor such as indecisiveness. He usually waits for things to happen when he has to make a decision. He usually lets other people decide and accept the outcome cause he is afraid to make a decision and know that the answer might not be what he wants to hear. In the end, he regrets not making the decision that affects him throughout his life. I hope that I do not become like him. Therefore from today onwards I have to step up and stop delaying making the decisions.

Time makes people grow up and accept reality as well as accept more responsibility. However that doesn't seem to be the case for me. I always tell myself to put aside a certain amount of money from my allowance and save it up for rainy days however, I usually end up spending most of it. I have the mindset of saving up but my actions always prove otherwise. I wonder when I can actually say that I managed to save up instead of spending it. Maybe it is because I always have the feeling that I would not need to save up for rainy days as that day would not actually come that's why I'm able to spend the money.

I would think about my future whenever I'm alone or have nothing to do. I always wondered how my life would turn out. Would I have regrets that I should have done something more when I was younger ? Or would I be financially dependent on some people like my parents ? Financial freedom is something I have always wanted as I believed that everyone doesn't like the pressure of working till they die so I want to work smart when I'm younger so that I can enjoy more when I'm older. I hope that I can really put my words into action instead of just saying for the sake of saying it.

Did you ever tried talking but only air would come out instead of words ? Did you ever think that our very existence in the world would change something ? Well, that's life. Face it. I always wondered why I behaved in such a manner or why certain people would do certain things in a given scenerio. Maybe I as just trying to act as if nothing has happened or trying to block out that scene. That's the reason I work so hard for. But when the end results appear and the final outcome is the same as the starting point's what will you do ? Do you give up ? Do you think that you have wasted your time trying ? Do you thing that whatever you do will change at least a small tiny bit of the situation or circumstances that you are in ? I always wondered why I have worked so hard hoping to change something, anything. Even the tiniest bit can make a difference and give a glimmer of hope. But it's always the same ending. The same situation all over. Demoralising and pathetic.

What are goals ? What do you wish to achieve and by what age ? Does our goals constantly change ? After packing and searching through my stuffs, I found out that what I wanted in the past and what I wanted now has changed. Not that it is a different goal but it is exactly the SAME goal however in a different form. Last time I would think that money is the most important hence I would want to be a millionaire or better. Now, I would think of cashflow instead. This is because cashflow and being a millionaire is the same thing but the only difference is that cashflow would enable me to get money every month but not when I'm a millionaire. See the difference. It is the same thing but explain differently just as our thinking changes.

Sometimes I wonder if I am living in the past instead of striving for the future. Most of my friends are either studying in the university or have already made plans to study in a certain course and certain university after their NS. However, I am still thinking of what is the best course to take and what I should do after that. Sometimes I would rather let nature take it's course but that would meant letting go of the future that I wanna have. Let's put it this way, every course has it's good and bad it only matters which is suitable for me and I have not found it yet. I really wanna jumpstart my thinking and everything that would enable to help me achieve my goals earlier instead of just stagnating and living in the past.